


Steve Used to Be Happy

by RedXD



Category: Stranger Things (TV 2016)
Genre: Angst, Basically just “Reasons why Steve deserves a hug” the Fanfic, Child Neglect, Crying, Gen, Heavy Angst, Hurt No Comfort, Hurt Steve Harrington, Men Crying, No Happy Ending Fest, Past Steve Harrington/Nancy Wheeler, Self-Reflection, Steve Harrington Needs a Hug, Steve Harrington-centric, Steve Has Issues, Steve has been through a lot of shit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-19
Updated: 2020-12-19
Packaged: 2021-03-11 05:01:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,568
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28169664
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RedXD/pseuds/RedXD
Summary: Steve was once considered a King.Now he just feels empty.orSteve Harrington is sad and has a lot of reasons why that is.
Relationships: None, Steve Harrington/Nancy Wheeler, its mentioned
Comments: 1
Kudos: 33





	Steve Used to Be Happy

**Author's Note:**

> This is lowkey self indulgent/a bit of a vent
> 
> Also first ST fic so be warned

“Steve Harrington: the king of Hawkins High School.”

What a laugh.

He might’ve once been someone like that, but in the past year or two, he’s watched it all slip through his fingers like salt. 

Steve used to be popular.

When he was friends with Tommy and Carol, everyone else was obsessed with him. Everyone knew and loved him. 

The worst part? 

He _knew_ this. He flourished in it and he was a grade-A douche because of it. He was a douche because Tommy is a douche and Carol is a bitch and people can rub off on you.

Now though, he isn’t popular. He’s stuck in a lame job and status isn’t supposed to matter, but it does. Steve still wants to be liked, to be popular. But no one is obsessed with him, no one invites him to parties (Dustin does, but D&D parties don’t count), and the only friends he has are a lesbian and some kids.

Steve used to be ignorant.

The saying _does_ go ‘Ignorance is Bliss.’ 

He used to not know about Mind Flayers, evil Russians, demogorgons, and the Upside Down. He used to think that shit was only fiction. That it couldn’t be real.

Then he got caught in the middle of a demogorgon killing party. Then he got dragged along by Dustin and nowadays he’s basically a qualified member of the ‘Upside-Down’ fighters.

Now, he wakes up every night with nightmares. Now, he can’t sleep. These days, he feels guilty for his own fucking trauma because it isn’t fair. Eleven and Will have gone through hell and back, so why should he complain about some nightmares and breakdowns? Why should he have the right to even _call_ it trauma? He’s barely dipped his foot into the pool that is the Upside-Down shithole while Eleven is at the bottom of the pool drowning. He barely knows the girl, but he doesn’t get the right to even compare his issues to what she’s been through.

Steve used to lie less.

When his parents remember they have a son every few months, they call him. It’s short and not at all loving, but he still tries to appreciate it. To appreciate their attempt at loving him. 

They always ask the same old questions and he’d always answer the same:

Hello.

How are you? Decent.

How are your grades? Passable. 

What are you doing? Reading (He never is, but they don’t care).

See you in a month or two, son (Sometimes Steve wonders if they even remember his name).

Now the entire thing feels more like this:

Hello.

How are you? Decent. _I’m terrified and alone._

How are your grades? Passable. _I graduated? You weren’t there, but it still happened. I barely passed. Maybe I’m too stupid._

What are you doing? Reading. _Lying to you. Completely. Constantly looking behind me? Wondering when the next bad thing will happen?_

See you in a month or two, son. _My name is Steve. Not ‘son.’ I wish he’d taught me to fight. I wish he’d made me useful._

Lies. Lies. Lies. Lies.

He lies to his town about the Upside-Down. He lies to his parents about everything. He lies to Nancy and says he isn’t still hurt from what happened last year. He lies to Dustin and says he genuinely is busy tonight because adult chores wait for no man. 

There’s a cutting sting that comes with feeling like a liar.

Steve used to be good at _something._

Back before his life turned to shit, he was still not smart. He still wasn’t perfect. But he was good at flirting and good at sex.

Maybe that’s sad and depressing, he kinda wishes he could disagree. Yet at least he had _something._

Now though… he can’t flirt. He can’t wink. He can’t even look put together or attractive. If he’s honest, maybe he’s lost any physical characteristics that made people _like_ him. His hair is obviously useless. 

He also hasn’t had sex in years. Plural as in, since his breakup with Nancy. As in, the night Barb died.

It’s impossible. It’s like he feels sick to his stomach because Nancy was never wrong. They did kill Barb. They did just have fucking sex while she was murdered.

And that is the worst memory to have linked to an activity like that, so he really isn’t anything like he used to be. 

So yeah, wonderful. He’s stupid and weak. He can try and put up a fight, but he still loses. He isn’t good at anything. Not school or work or even shit he used to excel at.

It sucks.

And finally:

Steve used to think someone loved him back.

He used to be in love with Nancy and when he was, when they dated, he thought she felt the same. He thought she loved him. That she actually _cared._

Then he saw her with Jonathan and insecurities flooded him. He thought she was cheating. That he wasn’t good enough.

But he loved her so he went and it turned out she wasn’t cheating. It turned out they could date again.

Time flew by and she stopped smiling and started yelling. She started telling him things and not caring.

They went to that party, that fucking party. He thought it would help her cheer up. He thought… he doesn’t know what he thought.

But all that happened was realization.

Nancy called him bullshit. Called their relationship bullshit. She told him he was bullshit and that his love was bullshit. She said loving him was bullshit. She made it perfectly clear that she didn’t care, that she didn’t love him. That they weren’t in love, it was all just him.

He left. He fled and he shouldn’t have. He should’ve stayed, but he felt hurt and he does stupid things when he’s hurt. Like leaving Nancy alone and drunk at a party.

His idiot self tried. Tried to go and win her back with some dumb flowers. But she wasn’t home, she was somewhere with Jonathan. She was _with_ him and he knew by the way they looked at each other. _He knew._

Dustin dragged him away and he got distracted, but…

It hurt.

It was okay after a while because he met Robin. Robin was all that Nancy wasn’t. Sarcastic, opinionated, and fun. 

They laughed and he was fine being friends. Then Russians and Dustin brought them closer. Then they got trapped in an elevator and a Russian base. They got drugged and watched a movie and puked in the bathroom.

His dumb, slightly drugged self, he knew it. He suddenly _knew_ it. That Robin, Robin wasn’t Nancy. She was better. She was what he _needed_. 

So he told her. He told her everything about his feelings and went full gushy.

She laughed dryly and slowly responded. Robin opened up too, less gush.

More _oh she’s gay._

Suddenly that heartbroken feeling he got from Nancy… that feeling that made him sob and stay in bed and throw a picture frame across the room? It was back. And it was _worse._

But this time, he couldn’t react. He couldn’t act angry or hurt because Robin didn’t change. She doesn’t need to prove herself, she’s an amazing person. 

Just not the one for him. At least not in the way he had hoped for.

It’s like another broken heart breaks all future ones. He can’t get close enough to like, even love, a girl unless the world is ending. 

And all the girls he’s liked don’t like him back. They don’t _love_ him back.

He shouldn’t feel this way.

Dustin, Lucas, Erica… Robin and all of the others.

In a way, he’s finally got a family. He’s finally got people who actually sorta care about him. People that love him.

But it’s platonic.

And despite it all, Steve can’t focus on the good when so much shit _hurts._

When he wants to be held or to hold… when he wants to kiss or be kissed… when he just wants to feel like someone loves _him_. Not girls or Jonathan or work or hotter guys or smoother guys. 

But _him._

So that’s where he is.

Sitting in his bed, it’s roughly 2 am.

He can’t sleep. As per usual.

All he can think about is how he’s no King. He’s not worth the crown and there’s no one who would give him it in the first place.

Steve feels hot tears boil against his eyelids. His face grows hot and sticky as wet sobs are choked out.

_I want someone to love me._

_I just wish I was better._

_I just wish I was smarter._

_I just wish I had never seen that demogorgon._

_I wish I hadn’t ever met Nancy. Or Carol. Or Tommy._

_I sorta just wish I was never born. Never forgotten and ignored._

He grips his arms, lungs heaving as he screams out a mess of sobs and pained wishes. 

“I wish she loved me back.”

“I wish I was smart.”

“I wish I wasn’t so selfish.”

“I wish my parents loved me.”

“I wish that I’d get killed already.”

His vision is blurred and he hears a ringing in his head. He collapses fully against his bed, face shoved against his knees. He cries.

Steve cries for almost an hour.

He falls asleep after a while.

But it never lasts long.

Steve used to be happy.


End file.
